Once again…

….haven’t updated this in a while. It’s sort of like a tamagotchi or a child (I’d imagine) in that the novelty soon wears off and you really can’t be bothered. But for some unknown reason I am awake at 5:55 on a Friday morning and have been for the last two hours. Having got bored of poking and prodding my girlfriend’s sleeping face and having resisted the temptation to draw on her I thought now would be the ideal time to update my blog.

It’s been strange in that I had more gigs last week than I did in the whole of October. I had a rather beautiful weekend at the Stand in Glasgow. Normally I’m not that big a fan of the Glasgow Stand as it’s generally full of Glaswegians. They tend to be quite a hard audience. Well they are for a middle class, Aberdonian ponce like myself. Except last week the Glasgow audiences were really rather perfect. I did new stuff and it got a nice reaction. The other acts (Henning Wehn, Ron Vaudrey and Antony Murray) were brilliant and it was the best back stage atmosphere I’ve experienced at a gig.

I can remember at one point looking at Antony, who was on before me, performing to a crowd of 250 odd and all I could think was why the hell would you do that? Then as soon as I buzzed off stage after I remembered why. Really is no feeling on earth like it all.

On the Thursday night there was a huge Daily Mail staff party in the audience, and do you know what? They were proper lovely. Not at all dickish. I didn’t even have to do my Princess Diana/Gypsy/illegal immigrant material.

Then on Monday I had nothing. My first proper day off in over a week and a half and I felt awful. I had a huge comedown from the gigs and just felt really depressed. In a way it reminded me of the orchestra trips I used to go on with school. You’d spend a week playing music with friends and having a good laugh and then you’d come back to normal life and it’d be dull, not even black and white. That’s seriously how I felt at the start of this week. What a tool.

Mark Gatiss of the League of Gentleman and Doctor Who was in town on Wednesday and I got to interview him in front of a live audience. That was fun. I don’t think I ballsed it up. Maybe I could have been a bit more confident but it was quite good to hear an audience react to my questions and the answers given by the interviewee. I really hope I get the chance to do more stuff like that. For the record he’s not going to be the new Doctor Who and he wouldn’t say if he knew who it would be.

There were two proper old ladies who sat in the front row that hadn’t read the book and just turned up for something to do who talked throughout the entire thing because they couldn’t hear properly. There’s something quite fun about saying ‘fuck’ and talking about man to man bum sex in front of pensioners. I’d recommend it.

By the way, I write these in wordpress and then Facebook cleverly picks them up and reproduces them. Except it forgets to add spaces and makes me look like even more of an illiterate fuck wit than I actually am. Just wanted to get across that it’s not my fault.

The Attic Lights were in session for me last week and apparently they’ve been chosen by Channel 5 to play the theme tune for the new series of Minder. I asked them and they were only too happy to play it for me. Have a listen below as it sounds superb.

Minder Theme Tune by the Attic Lights

Some gigs…

Hmm, haven’t updated this for a while.

It’s been a strange few weeks.  I’m slipping further and further into poverty.  Well, as long you accept my definition of poverty as being in a house with heating and food but not being able to justify spending an hour in Starbuck’s every day reading the Guardian.

I’ve just got to face up to the fact that I need to get a job.   I do feel like a bit of a failure.  I think it was right to leave my last job.  I had stopped caring about it as much as I should have done and that wasn’t fair to boss who had been very good to me.  And living the life of a care free artist has been fun.  But I seriously have no money.  I’ll take anything.  Waiting on tables, working in a shop or temping in an office.  The only stipulation is that I don’t have to wear a hat.  I’ve spent enough years in jobs with hats.  In fact  I think I may still have both the KFC and Burger King hats at home.  Perhaps I could ebay them to some young people as hilarious retro festival wear.

What has been reassuring is speaking to other people who do the same kind of thing as me who are also having to supplement it with real work.  It’s nice to know other people aren’t doing well. 

Anyway, I’ve just updated my Myspace profile with the gigs I’ve got booked between now and Christmas and I’d thought I’d share them here.

The most exciting one is on the 19th of November where I’m interviewing writer and League Of Gentleman member Mark Gatiss in front of an audience.  It’s a new thing to do which is always good fun and I can pretend I’m Parky.

6 Nov 2008 20:00	Fit O’ The Giggles @ The Argyle	Edinburgh
12 Nov 2008 20:00	Trader Joes	Glasgow
13 Nov 2008 20:00	The Stand	Glasgow
15 Nov 2008 20:00	The Stand
16 Nov 2008 20:00	The Stand	Glasgow
19 Nov 2008 20:00	Chat with Mark Gatiss @ Waterstones	Aberdeen
1 Dec 2008 20:00	Absolute Beginners @ Mercat	Edinburgh
2 Dec 2008 20:00	The Stand	Edinburgh
14 Dec 2008 20:00	Breakneck Comedy @ The Blue Lamp	Aberdeen

You’ll barely be able to tell they have no souls

This is very good.  Simple without being over long.

We don’t really do anything like this in the UK.  Satire or topical comedy seems to be restricted to panel shows where comedians are asked questions they can answer with jokes, or rather snidey, smug sketches.  We don’t really have a Daily Show or a Colbert Report or an Onion.  I genuinely don’t know why but it seems a shame that we don’t.

SCOTY

looking angry beside SCOTY final poster

I had the final of Scottish Comedian Of The Year.  If I’m being brutally honest I didn’t do myself justice.  The set lacked focus and was in no order and I lacked energy.  If I’m being really brutally honest then even if I had given the set of my life there’s still no way I would have been in contention with the top three.  Scott, Teddy and Keir are all superb and amazing comics, all three of them heroes of mine and they deserved their respective placings.

What was a bit of a result was that I got some genuinely nice and positive feedback, and some offers of gigs.  What was also rather nice was how pleasant everyone was.  Janey Godley was a brilliant compere and was incredibly helpful and full of advice without in anyway being condescending or patronising.  The other acts were not cunts but incredibly supportive, nice funny people.  Even some of the judges sought me out after the event and gave me some nice words.

I had gigged the night before and for some reason I had been incredibly nervous before it.  I don’t know if it was because it was in front of 200 pissed up Glasweigans on a Saturday night or because I was representing the East Coast in a special make pretend Glasgow Vs Everybody-Else-In-Scotland contest.  Yet all day Sunday before I played the biggest gig of my life in front 750 people in the Old Fruitmarket I wasn’t nervous at all.  I’m not sure why but until a few minutes before I went on stage I remained fairly calm.  Perhaps that’s the reason why I was lacking in energy.  Who knows?  It’s really not like me.

The only thing that sounds even more ridiculously wanky than that is that I really can’t remember much of being on stage.  I can remember a couple of the big laughs.  I can recall a strange Ha Ha laugh from someone at the front of the audience purely because it was about two seconds behind everyone else.  And I, unfortunately, can remember getting to the end of my set and realising I still had over a minute to fill.  This forced me to go back and use a joke I haven’t used in months.  Seriously, what sort of spaz knows he’s doing 10 minutes in front of the biggest and most important audience of his life and doesn’t prepare? 

The review I got from Chortle certainly wasn’t great but it was by no means bad.  Fairly true reflection I think.  I’ve still managed to pick out a word or two to stick on any future posters.

From a purely professional point of view I realised on Sunday that I need to write more funny funny.  The great Jerry Seinfeld talks about seeing a construction worker go back to work one afternoon and realising that this person doesn’t want to go to work but he does.  So why should he as a comedian put off writing when that was his job?  The other piece of advice I received not too long ago was from If.comedy winner Sarah Millican who just told me to do more and more gigs because then the gags would come.

So, taking that advice I took some half remembered thoughts, scribbles from my book and three word notes on my phone and tried to tie them together in some sort of set.  Then I went down to SNAFU for the Comedy Capers gig and tried them out.  It wasn’t pretty, I didn’t quite die on my hole but from it there were bits and pieces that I now know could work.  I shall try and hammer them into some sort of decent shape and just take as many gigs as I possibly can.  Alas, despite my intentions I slipped some old material in at the end just so I could leave on a good laugh.  What a whore I am.

why my parents will disinherit me…

There’s a bit of my set from Sunday night up on Youtube.  Have a look, criticise, laugh, sit bemused, whatever.  It’s here…

My poor parents.  I tell some awful lies.  And I swear far, far too much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSfyi_EZ3Y8

Scottish Comedian Of The Year

Yay, won my heat of the Scottish Comedian Of The Year on Sunday.  Much to my surprise.  I’m not even being falsely modest when I say that I genuinely didn’t think I had that much of a chance.  Anyway, I had a good night and the audience voted for me to go to the final.  Which was very nice of them.  There was bit in today’s paper which is online here.

Final is on the 28th September in Glasgow at the Old Fruitmarket.  Tickets available here.

I am under no pretence that I have a hope in hell of winning the final (again not being falsely modest.  I don’t) and it would be great to see some friendly faces in the audience.  There are some very, very funny people on stage.

review

I’ve been reviewed.  What with it being a couple of weeks since the Festival ended I thought I wasn’t going to be.  But today the google alert I’ve set up for my own name ( I know) took me to this page on three weeks.  Here’s what it says

You can tell the Fringe is drawing to a close, because everyone’s starting to look knackered. So was the case here, in this stand-up show that appeared to have some funny comedians, but who just looked worn out. Kevin Ball, who was giving his last performance of the festival, and Jill Baxter, both from Dundee, had some quality material, but just seemed bored of telling it. The audience wasn’t the most responsive, which can’t have helped, but such is the way with parts of the Free Fringe. David Blair had apparently forgotten he had a show, so the performance was reduced to three acts, but luckily, just as it looked as though all was lost, up popped Andy Learmonth from Aberdeen; charismatic, witty, sharp stand-up – just what was needed.

Wow.  As someone wise once said, ‘If you believe the good reviews then you have to believe the bad reviews, so it’s best not to take notice of any of them’.  However that is clearly pish because this review says I am sharp, witty and charismatic.  I mean it does slag off my colleagues a bit so clearly the reviewer is an idiot there – however he makes amends with that last line. 

I am feeling very smug today.

The Festival

It’s been three weeks since I last updated this thing.  My only excuse is that I was at the Edinburgh Festival and I didn’t have a PC or internet access – which I’ll admit is a fairly rubbish excuse considering the amount of internet cafes and the like all over the city.

Anyway let’s put it all behind us and move on.  The Festival was pretty aces.  It kinda feels like I’m just back from a school trip where, even if I haven’t enjoyed every second of that trip, it seems incredibly glamorous compared to life back home.

I took a few photographs.  My favourite is of this one with the midget in a box.  I’m not entirely sure what the show’s about.

More pics are on my flickr photostream.

I’m feeling quite lazy today so instead of blogging about my Edinburgh Fest highlights I’ll just cut and paste the two columns I did for the Evening Express.  Normal service should resume at some point soon.

Week 2

I  am now on to week two of the Edinburgh Festival, and I’m having a jolly fun time.

In the way that cockroaches will be the only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust I think Edinburgh bar owners will be the only people to survive this credit crunch. Everything is so incredibly expensive.

I was walking behind someone the other day who found twenty quid on the street.

His friend turns to him and says, ‘if only it was forty, then you could have bought two rounds’.

Being born in Aberdeen means that I am able to smell out cheapness fairly easily which is why most mornings you’ll find me in a cafe miles away from anywhere where you can get a full Scottish for less than three pounds.

I came down to the festival because the opportunity to try and make a crowd of people laugh every night for 23 nights was too good an opportunity to miss. And it has helped make my set a bit funnier and a bit tighter but the downside is that I’ve put on weight and haven’t slept properly in days. I look like an extra in a zombie film, if the zombie has eaten lots of bacon rolls.

It’s a pretty amazing experience being here because there is so much going on. Last night I was at a late night gig where a slightly drunk Alan Carr tried out some new jokes.

Before that I saw someone carrying a midget in a box. I’m not entirely sure why but no one who passed looked at all surprised, as if it was something you see everyday on the Royal Mile.

Of the shows I’ve seen, Ivan Brackbenury’s Hospital Radio Roadshow is the best. A simple joke done again and again but really well, it’s very difficult not to laugh.

I’ve seen Ed Byrne a few times and this is the best I’ve ever seen him. His wedding takes up a fair part of the show and leads to quite an upbeat life affirming ending.

I wanted to go and see Michael McIntyre but his entire run has been sold out stupidly quickly, and then yesterday I heard he’s not actually a very nice person. I don’t know if this is true or not, and even if it is why it would stop me finding him funny?

Anyway, you should come down. It’s fun and it’s on your doorstep and there’s pretty much nothing like it in the rest of the world.

Week 3

THERE was a story in the papers last week about a number of people in this fine country of ours injuring themselves and breaking the treadmills and exercise bikes they keep in their houses after trying to keep up with the Olympics. I like these sort of stories. They remind us that as a country we’re not actually as clever as we think. I mean have you seen the size of Chris Hoy’s thighs? It looks like he’s glued the legs of some smaller, lesser athlete on to his own thighs just for that extra bit of power it might give him.

I kind of have some understanding of Olympic athletes at the moment. They have spent months and years training up for a few weeks in August where they have to prove what they’re worth. And then when August comes they push their bodies to the limit.

Having spent the last two weeks at the Edinburgh Fringe I too can confirm that I have pushed my body to the limit. Never have I drank as much, smoked as much or eaten nearly as much junk food. My body hasn’t had to work so hard since I was born premature with jaundice. I am suffering.

I currently have a pretty rotten cold. As one fellow comedian pointed out to me, during August Edinburgh is full of actors, comedians, musicians and writer – in other words the sort of people who would skive off PE and constantly have a sick note from Mother. It’s really no surprise I’ve ended up so poorly.

However, the audiences have been lovely. I was chatting to them last night and I asked if anyone had seen anything good and girl in the audience said, ‘We’re watching it’. That may very well be the best moment of my life.

I ended up getting called through to the Stand in Glasgow on the Saturday night for their pick of the Fringe. The fact that I got the phone call fairly close to the date makes me think not so much pick of the fringe but, ‘crumbs, there’s no one left let’s go through the A’s until we get someone’. After two weeks of playing to 15 people it was quite a shock to play to 250 odd. I also got paid more for those 10 minutes than I had for the entire run of the Festival so far.

I was back in Aberdeen yesterday and popped into the radio station where the boss asked if I thought it was worthwhile being at the Fringe – said in a way, which made me think he couldn’t possibly regard taking three weeks off work as ‘worthwhile’. But yes, I’m broke and I’m ill and I’ve stretched my relationship with my girlfriend and my boss to breaking point but I’ve had a lot of fun.

Meeee in the Buchanieee

Like pretty much everyone who grew up in Peterhead and Banff and Buchan I have been in the Buchan Observer a few times.  I remember the paper’s review of the Mintlaw Academy production of Grease where my portrayal of Sonny was described as, ‘adequate’.  It was a school production, I know the reviewer was pulling his punches.  Never quite forgiven them for that – until now.  They’ve put a very nice piece about my Fringe show in this week’s paper.

Andrew hopes to impress at Festival Fringe

A FORMER Peterhead and Mintlaw Academy pupil hopes to impress festival goers when he takes to the stage at the Free Fringe in Edinburgh next month.

Andrew Learmonth will be performing This Show Won’t Change Your Life (But It Will Make You Laugh) every night during the popular Edinburgh Festival, which attracts visitors from around the world.

Although Mr Learmonth has appeared at the festival before, this is the first time he is doing a full three week run and he is looking forward to the experience.

He explained: “I recently quit my secure, lovely, well-paying, pension providing day job so that I could try to concentrate full time on comedy and the radio shows I present for north east station Original 106.”

He added: “It would be grand to get some Buchanie readers who are down at the festival to come along. What makes it even better is that the show is part of the Free Fringe, meaning no one has to pay a penny. So even if you don’t laugh, you won’t feel ripped off.”

Mr Learmonth, who now lives in Aberdeen, started doing stand-up comedy around two years ago and regularly performs in Aberdeen, Edinburgh and Glasgow. He presents a couple of night-time shows on Original 106 as well as the Sunday Showcase, which gives information about local bands, comedians, the arts and new music.

This Show Won’t Change Your Life (But It Will Make You Laugh) will be on at the Mercat Bar at 7.45pm from August 3 to August 23

Also, it’s nice how they call me Mr.  I should ask for that more.

there is a deep fryer…

Yay, Adam Buxton doing something very simple but very funny.