Column 8

Hmm, last week’s column still hasn’t appeared in the Evening Express.  This means I have probably been fired.  MC who is my point of contact at the paoer denies this and says that it is a technical fault, but I know when I’m not wanted.  Anyway, this is what it said:

I saw someone steal something from my local shop the other day.  I mean he was the worst thief in the world, it was clear he had stolen something.  He just walked into the shop, went right up to the back and then put some ham, a ready meal and some milk under his jacket.  Being the good citizen that I am, I pointed this out to the bloke stacking the shelves.  He got up, called one of his colleagues over and pointed at the thief.  The thief saw them point and knowing the game was up, he made a run for the door.  Well actually he didn’t, he just walked a bit more quickly to the door.  However it was still a very tense moment.  All the shoppers had stopped shopping to watch how this would play out.

I personally was hoping the shop staff might go all Steven Segal on the guy – throw him to the ground, a bit of kung fu before taking back their stuff and saying something like ‘All shoplifters will be prosecuted – by my fist, asshole’.  They didn’t.

Instead they just stood there and watched him leave.  At one point one of them shook their heads. 

Alright, I understand that these guys are probably on the minimum wage and in fairness if I did their job I don’t think I would be willing to risk life and limb for the sake of CO-OP own brand corn beef hash, but surely it can’t be that easy to steal? 

I know that some stores have made it a bit more difficult to thieve.  As this paper reported a few weeks back the city’s Spars have started locking everyday goods up in display cases and then selling them beneath the counter.

We now have the slightly ridiculous situation where you can see hardcore-ish pornography on general display but the only way you can get a block of mild cheddar is to queue up and ask the shopkeeper what they’ve got under the counter. 

Perhaps thieving is the real reason we now have to pay for carrier bags.  Perhaps there has a been national run on carrier bags causing shortages or something. I mean it can’t be for the environment, surely?   No store would genuinely sell us tomatoes grown in Egypt which are then flown over to a depot in the South of England before being driven up to Aberdeen in a big truck and then say this bag costs 5p because we’re committed to ending global warming with a straight face?

I’ll end on a tip.  If you find yourself in the CO-OP you’ll see they no longer display carrier bags, but if you ask for one they’ll give it to you from under the counter.  I mean, you do feel a bit guilty, and other shoppers might look at you with a bit of disgust, but it’s only human.  We all do it.