new column up

New column up – go read.  Something a bit different.  Let me know.

http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/Article.aspx/812476?UserKey=0

traffic and fringe

I’m doing the traffic report for the drive time station today.  More through being in the office rather than any expertise on my part.  Things I have learned from this experience:

1.  There is a difference between a gas leak and a gas explosion.  Gas leaks cause traffic delays and gas explosions… well gas explosions cause other things.

2.  Reading things out that make no sense to you is fairly difficult.

3.  There are lots of places in the North East of Scotland that have stupid names like Bogbrae and Battledykes (which sounds like a Nuts TV version of robot Wars)

Was going to write a sort of big final piece on the Fringe, and I still might, but Alan Sharp has done a much better job of that here

The Festival

It’s been three weeks since I last updated this thing.  My only excuse is that I was at the Edinburgh Festival and I didn’t have a PC or internet access – which I’ll admit is a fairly rubbish excuse considering the amount of internet cafes and the like all over the city.

Anyway let’s put it all behind us and move on.  The Festival was pretty aces.  It kinda feels like I’m just back from a school trip where, even if I haven’t enjoyed every second of that trip, it seems incredibly glamorous compared to life back home.

I took a few photographs.  My favourite is of this one with the midget in a box.  I’m not entirely sure what the show’s about.

More pics are on my flickr photostream.

I’m feeling quite lazy today so instead of blogging about my Edinburgh Fest highlights I’ll just cut and paste the two columns I did for the Evening Express.  Normal service should resume at some point soon.

Week 2

I  am now on to week two of the Edinburgh Festival, and I’m having a jolly fun time.

In the way that cockroaches will be the only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust I think Edinburgh bar owners will be the only people to survive this credit crunch. Everything is so incredibly expensive.

I was walking behind someone the other day who found twenty quid on the street.

His friend turns to him and says, ‘if only it was forty, then you could have bought two rounds’.

Being born in Aberdeen means that I am able to smell out cheapness fairly easily which is why most mornings you’ll find me in a cafe miles away from anywhere where you can get a full Scottish for less than three pounds.

I came down to the festival because the opportunity to try and make a crowd of people laugh every night for 23 nights was too good an opportunity to miss. And it has helped make my set a bit funnier and a bit tighter but the downside is that I’ve put on weight and haven’t slept properly in days. I look like an extra in a zombie film, if the zombie has eaten lots of bacon rolls.

It’s a pretty amazing experience being here because there is so much going on. Last night I was at a late night gig where a slightly drunk Alan Carr tried out some new jokes.

Before that I saw someone carrying a midget in a box. I’m not entirely sure why but no one who passed looked at all surprised, as if it was something you see everyday on the Royal Mile.

Of the shows I’ve seen, Ivan Brackbenury’s Hospital Radio Roadshow is the best. A simple joke done again and again but really well, it’s very difficult not to laugh.

I’ve seen Ed Byrne a few times and this is the best I’ve ever seen him. His wedding takes up a fair part of the show and leads to quite an upbeat life affirming ending.

I wanted to go and see Michael McIntyre but his entire run has been sold out stupidly quickly, and then yesterday I heard he’s not actually a very nice person. I don’t know if this is true or not, and even if it is why it would stop me finding him funny?

Anyway, you should come down. It’s fun and it’s on your doorstep and there’s pretty much nothing like it in the rest of the world.

Week 3

THERE was a story in the papers last week about a number of people in this fine country of ours injuring themselves and breaking the treadmills and exercise bikes they keep in their houses after trying to keep up with the Olympics. I like these sort of stories. They remind us that as a country we’re not actually as clever as we think. I mean have you seen the size of Chris Hoy’s thighs? It looks like he’s glued the legs of some smaller, lesser athlete on to his own thighs just for that extra bit of power it might give him.

I kind of have some understanding of Olympic athletes at the moment. They have spent months and years training up for a few weeks in August where they have to prove what they’re worth. And then when August comes they push their bodies to the limit.

Having spent the last two weeks at the Edinburgh Fringe I too can confirm that I have pushed my body to the limit. Never have I drank as much, smoked as much or eaten nearly as much junk food. My body hasn’t had to work so hard since I was born premature with jaundice. I am suffering.

I currently have a pretty rotten cold. As one fellow comedian pointed out to me, during August Edinburgh is full of actors, comedians, musicians and writer – in other words the sort of people who would skive off PE and constantly have a sick note from Mother. It’s really no surprise I’ve ended up so poorly.

However, the audiences have been lovely. I was chatting to them last night and I asked if anyone had seen anything good and girl in the audience said, ‘We’re watching it’. That may very well be the best moment of my life.

I ended up getting called through to the Stand in Glasgow on the Saturday night for their pick of the Fringe. The fact that I got the phone call fairly close to the date makes me think not so much pick of the fringe but, ‘crumbs, there’s no one left let’s go through the A’s until we get someone’. After two weeks of playing to 15 people it was quite a shock to play to 250 odd. I also got paid more for those 10 minutes than I had for the entire run of the Festival so far.

I was back in Aberdeen yesterday and popped into the radio station where the boss asked if I thought it was worthwhile being at the Fringe – said in a way, which made me think he couldn’t possibly regard taking three weeks off work as ‘worthwhile’. But yes, I’m broke and I’m ill and I’ve stretched my relationship with my girlfriend and my boss to breaking point but I’ve had a lot of fun.

Column No 3…

http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/Article.aspx/764156?UserKey=0

… is up and online for the next couple of days.  Go read.  Or don’t.  Actually please do.